LOUSY ME!

150212, semester 1 result day.

I don't like you.

How can I get such result?

I don't understand.

Put so much effort everyday.

Did coloured notes with my whole set of expensive Stabilo colour pens for every subjects.

Studied from 8am-11pm everyday during study week.

Answered all the questions for every exam papers confidently.

I expect more than this, but you really disappoint me.

Why most of them can get good results but still complain this and that???

What did I do wrong?

I don't think outing once a week is a problem.

At least I repay it by reading lecture notes for a while after each outing day.

I don't think studying while listening to music is a problem too.

Because this is my study method and only then I can focus.

WHAT'S THE PROBLEM???????

Fine. Even though I never pay attention during almost every lecture classes, not because I did it on purpose, but I really did my best to overcome the lecturers' "lullaby"!

Have a deep thought about this, but still can't find a satisfied reason to comfort myself.

I'm not sure whether this is the problem.

Honestly, I'm trying hard to gain interest on this course.

Just because of the science degree certificate and let my parents to be happy, I need to sacrifice my 4 years time.

If I have the money and the power to choose, I won't have choose this.

Sometimes I really think that practise musical instruments every hour, read composers history and do musical theory are easier that Biochemistry, Physiology and Nutrition.

At least I have the "FLAME" in the inner heart.

As I know, I think that one that has the "flame" to do things which he/she likes a lot will receive better output.

So that's not me!

But I'm still not sure whether I really like this course or not? I really have the heart to continue on or not? Am I really want to be one or not in future?

What if I regret to take it?

What if time can travel back?

What if I don't accept scholarship?

What if I choose music as my career?

NO WAY!! I can't have the "WHAT IF" thinking anymore. It's too late to change my mind.

If time really travels back, I wish I can reject JPA scholarship and think carefully whether to continue to take this course or not. If I still get such result for semester 2, at least I can pursue music instead of this.

But all I can say now is: EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

Hopefully I can find out the reason for what is happening now.

Maybe like what my parents said, "You've tried your best. Maybe you haven't adapt the university life. Try hard again next semester."

Maybe like what a friend told me, "You'll try even harder for next semester to improve right? Get this result also benefits you."

I'm neither doing what I love,nor loving what I do now.

I'm neither study hard nor study smart.

I don't know why I want to be a smarty.

I'm not that smart and I don't want to be one of them.

I'm tired to let people be impressed of me.

I'm tired to achieve people's expectations about me.

I'm tired to be kiasu.

I'm tired to chase a success for myself anymore.

I'm really tired.

I just want to be the real me.

God! Please guide me to continue on! I lost my directions!

I can't just give up like this.

I'm sure you can lift me up and give me the confidence to get a 3 pointer for next semester.

I believe you as you gave me a result which passes the JPA pointer requirement although I don't satisfied with it.

Still can't hang a smile on my face. Forcing myself to be happy and have a positive thinking. :(